If you've ever been in a relationship and heard things like: 

"Why are you being so needy?!"

"I can’t do everything for you!"

"Can’t you figure it out on your own?!"

…then we need to have a little chat. Because you might be dealing with something called codependency—and no, it's not just pop psychology clickbait.

What is Codependency, Really?

Let’s clear the air: Codependency isn’t an official diagnosis in the DSM-5, but it is very real. It’s a pattern of behaviors—usually rooted in childhood trauma—that can show up as people-pleasing, low self-worth, boundary issues, and an obsessive need to feel needed.

It often gets tossed around with other buzzwords like “narcissist,” but misusing these terms can do more harm than good. So before we slap labels on ourselves (or others), let’s take a deeper look.

Signs You Might Be Codependent (According to the Experts)

Sharon Martin, DSW, LCSW, broke down the signs of codependency in Psychology Today, and hoo boy—if you see yourself in a few of these, you're not alone. Here are some of the biggest red flags I see all the time in my coaching work:

• You feel valuable only when you’re helping, fixing, or rescuing someone.
• You ignore your own needs and focus entirely on others.
• You feel anxious, guilty, or ashamed… like, a lot.
• You’re overly self-critical, possibly a perfectionist.
• You don't know what you want, how you feel, or what matters to YOU.
• You bend over backward to avoid disappointing people.
• Boundaries? What are those?
• Intimacy and open communication are a struggle.
• You fear abandonment, criticism, or rejection—and tolerate mistreatment because of it.
• You work yourself into the ground to “prove” your worth.
• You suppress your emotions and soak up everyone else's.
• You feel unlovable or “not good enough.”
• You lose it when things don’t go your way because you crave control

Here’s the thing: codependency is a spectrum. You may have a few of these traits or a truckload of them. Either way, there’s hope—and there are tools.

So...What Now? How Do You Start to Heal from Codependency?

If this is hitting a little too close to home, don’t panic. Healing from codependency is absolutely possible. It takes time, but it’s worth every ounce of effort. Here's where to start:

Self-Awareness: Name It to Tame It

Most people don’t even know they’re codependent—it’s just how they’ve always been. That’s why the first step is getting honest about your patterns. You may need help from a coach or therapist to unpack your past and connect the dots. This isn’t about blaming your childhood—it’s about empowering your future.

Pro Tip: Awareness doesn’t change everything, but it does change what you’re willing to tolerate.

Boundaries: Your New Best Friend

If the word “boundary” makes you break out in hives, you’re not alone. But boundaries aren’t walls—they’re doors with locks you control. Here’s a simple framework to get you started:

Know Your Limits: What are your non-negotiables? What drains you? What do you need more of?

Be Specific: Say what you mean and mean what you say—lovingly and clearly.

Be Consistent: Don’t let people test your limits like it’s a game show. Repetition builds trust (with yourself most of all).

Self-Care: It's Not a Luxury, It's a Necessity

Codependents often put everyone else first and then wonder why they’re burnt out, bitter, and barely functioning. Sound familiar?

 It's time to flip the script.

 Self-care isn’t selfish; it’s your rebellion against a lifetime of neglecting yourself. That might look like:

• Daily movement  (even if it's just a walk)
• Journaling, therapy, or coaching
• Saying (NO) and sitting with the discomfort
• Scheduling alone time and protecting it

You're Not Broken - You're Becoming...

Codependency doesn’t make you weak. It makes you human. Many of us learned to survive by being overly helpful, hyper-aware of others, and emotionally fused with those we love. But survival isn’t the same as living. And you deserve to live—fully, freely, and authentically.

 Start small. Speak up. Sit with the uncomfortable feelings. That’s how the healing begins.

If you'd like to connect, you can book a FREE 20min Discovery Call: FREE 20min Discovery Call