The attraction to straight men is always something that has interested me. I would be lying if I didn’t admit to having these fantasies myself. It's easy to say, "Well, it’s just a fantasy," which might be true. I think there is a deeper reason - there was for me. I had to ask myself this question:

Why Do I Find Straight Men Exciting?

Now I'm asking you the same question!

• Dominance? Why do you find domination attractive?

• Validation? What can this guy give you that I you give yourself? 

• Acceptance? Somehow by sleeping with him, will he accept you as an equal?

My Story

Growing up in a house full of women, I learned to embrace femininity. I wasn’t into sports, hung out with girls, and couldn’t relate to a majority of what the "boys" found interesting. Well, as you can imagine, that was the ultimate recipe for bullying.

Growing up in a Latino household, my dad was more conservative - resulting in a lot of repression.

Let's fast forward to my high school years. I did everything possible to fit in; I played varsity sports, joined clubs, dated a cheerleader, and even won the title of Prom King! The interesting thing, is I actually felt the most authentic on stage.

Why is this story relevant? I think many of you have experience something similar that has resulted in the need for validation from men.

Over the years, I have spoken with countless men and discussed this topic and the 4 points I brought up above tend to be the most common reasons.

Let's break them down:

1. Masculinity

Society has classically conditioned us to place masculinity on a pedestal and view feminine energy in men as negative which means, a lot of masculine influences in your life like your dad, grandpa, pastor, or friends might have reinforced this. Many people naturally feel attracted to more straight-presenting men and interestingly enough, a majority of the men I've spoken to present themselves as 'straight.'"

2. Dominance

A lot of men, including myself, have fantasized about a BDSM scenario. The classic tug of war between dominance and submission. In his book, 'Tell Me What You Want,' Justin Lehmiller (PhD) surveyed over 4,000 men and discovered that a majority of men fantasized about BDSM.

In a majority of porn scenes, straight men play the dominant role involving BDSM which contributes to the "straight fetish." The men in these porn scenes take on submissive roles which is a big turn on for Gay men.

3. Validation

I wanted to take back the power those guys had taken from me at a young age and be part of "the boys." Unfortunately, I never realized how much this affected me growing up. I had TONS of female friends my entire life and very few male friends. If I look at my friends group now I don’t have a single male friend I am close too with the exception of my romantic partner.

Relating to straight men was hard, I was more comfortable with women which is why my favorite group of people are lesbians! I think they are the perfect balance between masculine and feminine.

4. Acceptance

Rejection has always been at the root of my personal insecurities and the need for acceptance. I remember an instance where a close friend of mine in middle abandoned me to be part of the "boys." Looking back on it now as an adult, I don't blame him.

As an adult, the ability to sleep with a "straight" guy translated in my mind as us being equals. This meant we were equals. I finally wasn’t the last pick anymore, instead, I was his equal & he was willing to be vulnerable with me. That level of acceptance is intoxicating! Recognizing the deeper reason for the fantasy played a crucial role in my detachment from that fantasy.

Why is any of this important?

It's important because I came to understand that desire to be accepted by straight men was directly linked to my self-esteem. I did not need the approval of a "straight" man to feel whole and seeking his acceptance was actually leading me further away from myself.

If you relate to this, understanding this: It does not only have to do with chasing "straight men," it can also relate to chasing someone who does not recognize or value you.